101 rulz of Hogwarts as told by Sirius
by Edalene Athene
Summary: If you thought some of Umbridge's rules were strange, they're nothing compared to the Maurauders' student guidlines.
1. The idea

**101 do's & don'ts of Hogwarts**

**(Mostly don'ts)**

**As recommended (to ignore) by the Marauders**

A/N I don't own any thing to do with Harry Potter or the Marauders, except this fanfic.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­It was a cold winters evening. The Marauders were having their daily meeting in the Griffindor common room …

"_Remus,"_

"_Yes Sirius?"_

"_Well, I was thinking…"_

"_That's a first!" James muttered._

"_Be quite! Anyway I was thinking…_

_(Snigger, snigger, snigger from James and Peter)_

"_I WAS THINKING…"_

"_Oh bless my soul; Sirius is actually using his brain for once. I think I'm feeling faint!"_

"_Shut up James and let Sirius speak!" Remus snapped._

"_Can't take a joke in your old age can you?"_

_His time Sirius joined in the laughter. Remus just glared. _

"_As I was saying," continued Sirius, "we should make a list of Do's and Don'ts to leave our legacy in this draughty old place they call a school"_

"_Sounds like a good idea" commented James._

"_Yeah," Remus and Peter agreed._

"_Okay then let's get started!"_


	2. Arguments

Chapter 2

Don't eat 2 large bags of sugar, raw, in one go.

Don't address any teacher by their given name.

Don't wear your bikini to potions class in the middle of winter. (Especially if you don't have a bikini, although…)

"_Peter get out of my undie draw!"_

"_Sorry, I was just wondering if I could borrow this hot pink bikini I found in here. I was thinking I could wear it to the Yule Ball." _

"_NO WAY"_

"_But it would be a great chick magnet, don't you think?"_

"_You couldn't get yourself a girl if you were the last guy on earth!" scorned James._

"_And your obviously the expert as Lily is all over you."_

"_Actually she looked at me today."_

"_You mean when you hit her in the head with a mandarin pip and she gave you the most evil glare I've ever seen, and then jinxed you?" commented Sirius._

"_Well, it's a start!" James mumbled._

"_Let's just stop arguing about girls and get going with our 101 do's and don'ts of Hogwarts, it's almost tea and we've only got 3 down." Suggested Remus._

"_Ok then, if we have to."_

Don't let Peter find out you own a pair of hot pink bikinis.

Don't sneak into Dumbledore's office via the secret passageway and steal his prized sherbet, little Robbie Honeydukes was never seen again.

Don't pretend to be under the Imperious curse and jump of a bookcase and break both your legs so you don't have to go to potions class.

"_Sirius, hurry up, we're late for tea! We're having CHOCOLATE mousse today!" commented Remus._


	3. Banshees

**Chapter 3**

A/N Lots of people have read my stories but not reviewed! If you don't review I'll keep making mistakes, also I need ideas!   

Don't ask Professor Dumbledor for on eof his prized sherbets.

Don't take Dumbledore for a stupid old man

Don't try and get McGonnegal and Dumbledore to fall in love (they already are)

If you see them in the garden pashing don't stand there watching and drooling like a baby, not to mention any names, REMUS!

"What?"

"Oh nothing, just telling everyone how you saw McGonnegal and Dumbledore pashing and you just stood there in the bushes drooling like a baby when we were in 3rd year."

"Oh . . . HEY!"

"Don't worry, I'm only telling the whole world!"

"Sirius!"

We'll take a break now while Sirius runs away from Remus screaming like a banshee…


	4. Purple Bunny Wabbits and Lollipops

**A/N **Hi it's me again. You know the drill, I don't own Harry potter, etc. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah etc.

**_PLEASE REVIEW_** and make suggestions because how else am I to come up with 101 things by myself?

**Chapter 4**

Don't swap the all the sugar and pepper especially at breakfast.

Don't experiment on butter beer then feed it to the first years.

Don't swap the ingredients for the polyjuice potion and the love potion.

Don't swap Snivilless' pumpkin juice for polyjuice potion. (Resulting in him turning into an ogre and falling down Moaning Myrtles toilet)

Don't jinx Dumbledore's pumpkin to sing rude songs about him and McGonnagal at the top of its voice during his Halloween speech.

Don't hang Severus from the roof of the great hall by his toe.

Don't bewitch Dumbledore to make out with a statue resembling McGonnagal.

Don't turn up to potions class with bright pink hair, not to mention any names, coughJAMEScough.

"What?" exclaimed James who had been reading over Sirius' shoulder as he wrote, "Rub that out now!"

"No"

"Yes?"

"Why should I? It's a free country!"

"Cause I said!'

"Since when does what you say matter?"

"Sirius, rub it out."

"You stay out of it Remus."

During this exchange James had been quietly fuming. Finally he yelled, "I'm going to get you Sirius, with PURPLE BUNNY WABBITS AND LOLLIPOPS!"

At this Sirius ran.

Hope this was long enough for you, do you have any other suggestions peeps?


	5. Lilys evil! and SCARY!

**Chapter 5**

A/N So sorry! Didn't realize numbers weren't coming up on the fanfic and italics weren't showing! So sorry! The last number we did was 18 so starting on 19 now: ) Need ideas! I'm only up to about 30! Will never get finished at this rate so if you want to see it finished make suggestions and REVIEW! That's all peeps, ENJOY!

19. Don't provoke James, his lollipops are EVIL!

20. His bunny wabbits are evil too. (_sob, sniffle, sob. Tear rolling down cheek _:(

21. Don't swap ingredients in potions so Snivillus starts pashing an enraged Lily who hits him over the head with a cauldron and knocks him out cold, much to the amusement of the rest of the class!

22. Don't have a staring match with Remus during transfiguration.

23. Don't have a staring match with Professor McGonagall during transfiguration.

24. Don't have a staring match with a boot you turned into a mouse, very scary bear. _(whimper, whimper)_

_At this point Lily walked in. "What are you boys up to?" she asked "this time" she added dryly. _

"_Sirius is righting out some rules."_

'_That's a first' she thought to herself. "I see, very interesting," she scanned the page in front of her, "By the way your absolutely pathetic James."_

"_I know baby," he cajoled. _

"_Oh, go have sex with someone!"_

"_You?" he asked hopefully._

"_Great Merlin's beard, NEVER!" She then hit James over the head with her text books and stalked from the room._

"_God she's beautiful!" murmured James._

"_Whatever" commented Sirius with a mischievous grin on his face._

25. Girls are dangerous.

26. Girls areevil.

27. Never trust a gil.

28. Lily is REALLY evil.


	6. Belatrix

**Chapter 6**

I've decided to start a little differently this time, by _starting_ the chap with an action section rather than ending it with one. Enjoy and don't forget to **review!**

_It was lunch time and James, Remus, Peter + Sirius were sitting by the lake eating their lunch. As they were eating they saw Bellatrix flouncing towards them. _

"_Here comes trouble." he commented._

_Sirius just chuckled._

"_What did you do!" she screeched in a high raspy voice._

"_What's with your voice Bellatrix? You been drinking helium again?"_

"_You are going to pay with your life!"_

"_Breath, Bellatrix, breath." James said in a mock-soothing voice._

"_It's only a permanent voice pitch spell, don't worry, it'll wear f in a 1000 years or so."_

"_Not funny Black, not funny!"_

"_You know what you need, a little humor in your life."_

"_Dumbledore will find out!" she threatened but it was very threatening because her voice was higher that that of a mouse. _

"_Good, you go and sulk to Dumbledore."_

_She could think of nothing to say so she gave him one last withering glare and flounced away._

"_What would you have been doing Black?" came a cool, dangerous voice from behind them._

_Sirius and James turned around in fright, "McGonagall…" they whispered._

"_What did you do?" she repeated coolly._

"_N-n-nothing…mam." Sirius stuttered. "Okay, so we sneaked a potion into her pumpkin juice, but she totally deserved it, I swear!"_

"_My office, now." was all she said in reply._

29. Don't put _any_ kind of potion in Bellatrix's drink.

30. Don't taunt her about it when McGonagall is standing right behind you.

31. McGonagall is SCARY!

32. Whatever you do while at Hogwarts, whatever trouble you get into, DON'T cross McGonagall!

Sorry this is so short and doesn't have many number thingies in it, I had to get another chap up because I wasn't getting any reviews and I live for reviews, also I lost the draft so I made half of it up of the top of my head, I know I'm blabbering on, and I'll stop soon but PLEASE review. That's all for now and you're probably thinking "Thank God, I can go and do something else in stead of listening to this talkative teenager who doesn't know just when to shut up!" so I'll leave you now to do other more important things than listen to, well read, me blabber on. One last thing, hope you have enjoyed the other chaps, more coming soon! I hope, anyway, message me if you have any ideas because I am fast running out of them. Bye for now! Luv **ME!**


	7. Captain Sirius

Chapter 7

OK, in this chapter I've tried to put all of your suggestions in. If I've missed some or you have some more just message me! I'll put them in the next chapter for you! So…Enjoy!!

Luv Emeralds 4 Amethysts on Mars!!

P.S. I seriously need a shorter pen name!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

_They crept down the corridor, their unsuccessfully muffled feet echoing eerily down the corridor. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" Remus cautioned._

"_Sure it is! It was my idea any way! Are you saying I'm incapable of coming up with any half decent ideas Mr. Perfect-Teachers-Pet?" Sirius retorted. _

_"No, of course not, O-Mighty-One! I would never question you!"_

_"Good, that's exactly how I like to see you, groveling at my feet!" he let out an evil chuckle and continued down the hallway. Remus gave him the finger, Sirius sighed, "Next time I see you doing that I'll have that finger confiscated until further notice Mr. P."_

_James and Peter chuckled._

"_H-h-ho-how did you know?!" Remus spluttered._

"_Eyes in the back of me 'ead, Mr. P, eyes in the back of me 'ead." he replied and kept walking. _

_.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-_

_5 minutes later they neared the Slytherin dorms._

"_Okay, James, do you have the polyjuice potion?" asked Sirius._

"_Sir, yes, sir!" replied James. _

"_Good, that's what I like to see, a troop doing the right thing for once."_

"_Thank you, sir."_

"_Shut up! I didn't give you permission to speak!"_

"_So-rry Sirius." Peter said._

"_That's sir to you young nincompoop! Do you have the nifflers, Wormtail?"_

"_Sir, yes sir!" Peter said with a mock salute._

"_Brilliant! You're finally learning!" replied 'Captain' Sirius. _

_Drinking the polyjuice potion as quickly as possible the marauders began to transform._

"_Do I _have_ to be Snivillus?" James whined._

"_It suits you," was Sirius' only reply. Peter and Remus snorted in amusement._

_As they approached the dorm they saw Snape coming_


	8. Drunk Nifflers

Chapter 8

OK, in this chapter I've tried to put all of your suggestions in. If I've missed some or you have some more just message me! I'll put them in the next chapter for you! So…Enjoy!! A/N I don't own any of the HP characters, J.K. Rowling does.

Luv Emeralds4Amethysts on Mars!!

_Running out of their hiding place they quickly removed Snape's petrified body from the hallway, shoving him an unused cupboard. They strode through the hallways and stopped around the corner room the Slytherin Common Room portal._

"_Um, do you have the password to get in?" Remus asked Sirius. "Of course not," he replied "That's your job as a junior officer. Now what's the password?"_

"_Don't ask me!"_

"_You mean you don't have the blooming password?!" Sirius screeched, waking up a nearby portrait, "James? Peter? Did ANYONE get the password?"_

_Silence greeted his outburst and Peter, Remus and James stood their looking grim. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw James' mouth twitch. Sirius immediately rounded on him. "What's funny Potter?!" Sirius demanded. _

"_Nothing, only I know the password."_

"_Well, you took your time telling me!"_

"_Oh, but it's so funny when your angry. Your face goes read and there's a vein in your temple that twitches. "Altogether it's quite comical." James replied trying to keep a straight face. _

_Sirius just glared._

"_Oh, and the password's Nagimi." Peter said._

"_You knew to?" Sirius cried incredulously!_

"_Course we knew, but has James said its soo funny when you're angry._

_Sirius ignored them. Turning around he marched towards the portal. _

_The others followed barely able to keep up with Sirius and his long strides. Once inside the common room they quickly released the nifflers._

_Just as they were about to leave walked in. _

"_Just what exactly are you doing boys?" He asked in a silky, slimy voice. They didn't reply._

"_Run!!" On of them yelled and they didn't need telling twice. They dived out of the Common Room, falling over each other in the hallway before quickly leaping up and running as fast as they could, dodging jinxes as they went._

33. Do not release drunken nifflers into the Slytherin Common Room.

34. Do not crack up laughing when Snivellus is humiliated in front of the whole school at dinner because of what you did.

35. Do not call Snivellus Snivellus.

36. Professor Schlange should not be teased because o is obvious good looks and brilliant accent.

James, who was reading of Sirius coughed. "Heavy sarcasm there mate, heavy sarcasm. His accent is disgusting; it makes him sound like a simpleton…"

"He his tough" interrupted Remus.

"Ohh, that's harsh coming from you Remus." sniggered Sirius.

"The truth hurts" he replied indifferently.

"_Anyway_," James continued, "He makes pigs backsides look like Veela's!"

37. Try and find a spell or potion that will shut James up once and for all.

Thankfully James wasn't paying attention to what Sirius was writing anymore or Sirius would have found himself hanging by the toes in a dungeon. Folding the parchment roughly in half he flung the parchment down on the table and stretched, suppressing a yawn.

"I'm of to bed" he announced.

"Ok," the others replied "Good night.

Ok, so it's pretty short but I'm running out of ideas and I not even half way through yet. Wish me luck with the next chapter, I'll need it!

Professor Schlange:- Potions master/Head of Slytherin. No one suggested a name so I made one up. Your bad luck.


	9. Smelly socks

Chapter 9

_Sirius had finally been forced to clean out his sock draw, an unpleasant job at the best of time, and it was then that he discovered the list of Do's and Don'ts he had lost before the holidays, albeit a little smellier and crumpled than last time they had been seen. Running out of the dorm and down to the common room where his friends sat pretending to do homework while secretly drawing rude pictures in each others text books. 'Guys!' he called, 'Look what I've found!' He waved the papers madly about in the air as he came towards them before grandly plonking them on the desk. _

'_Gosh, they SMELL!' cried James, pulling away, 'Where did you keep them, in your sock draw?'_

'_Well, as a matter of fact, yes.'_

'_Shall we keep going?' asked Peter hopefully, 'I mean, we have nothing better to do.'_

'_Might as well,' replied Sirius, sitting himself down on a spare chair and picking up a discarded pencil he pulled the papers in front of him and began to write._

37. Never ask quidditch boy about said game involving hoops, flying balls, mad children on broomsticks etc. on pain of death, or two hour lecture on all things quidditch from the dark ages to the present day, that being the abridged version, which is equal to or worse than death.

'_Hey! What's that meant to mean?' James cried._

'_Just what it says,' replied Sirius condescendingly, 'Anyway, I speak from experience.'_

'_Fine, if that's the way you want it.' Retorted James, snatching the paper from Sirius he began to write…_

38. DO NOT give Sirius sugar, anything that resembles sugar, tastes vaguely of sugar, or was ever in a hundred mile radius of a speck of sugar if you wish to retain your life and sanity. Unfortunately we now have neither; thanks Sirius.

_Sirius snatched the paper back…_

39. Never question the supreme master of the world, Sirius Orion Black!

_By this time Remus had looked up from his 'work' and come around to stand behind Sirius and James as they wrote. After the last comment, James once again made to take the paper from Sirius. Remus intercepted before he could reach it and took it back to his seat where he began to write…_

40. Never let James have too much firewhisky. He is then deluded enough to think Lily actually likes him and proceeds to stand under the window of the girls dorm reciting terrible Shakespeare.

41. Same rule applied to Sirius in relation to any girl, some of the teachers and any trees resembling human form which happen to be in the vicinity.

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Thanks to everyone who made suggestions. I won't name names because I'll forget someone but you know who you are.


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